Its ridiculous how much things can change in four years. Honestly, maybe this is just because i am one of those adolescents  but I have totally forgotten what its like to be 13. I swore never to be one of those girls that was mean to other girls for no reason..and i was....I feel so bad but yet, in a way it was a good thing, i realized my actions, changed them and now i know that i have forgotten what its like to be 13 and just starting puberty. OH GOD, can you imagine going back to that age? no thanks!! Puberty is terrible! and i think that's why parents and adults forget what its like, because they never want to go back there...yet in a way when you have kids you relive it. Just like you relive being awesome and baby like. You know what i'm talking about, we all know you've seen those people making weird noises at their babies...they aren't being cute, they just want to pretend they don't know words..just like their baby. Don't pretend i'm not right ;)

I hate the feeling of being on my period, its not just the pain or the tenderness of my..you know ;) but its the mood swings. I snap at my mom, she irritates me for no reason and i'm so angry for no reason!! i hate this! i have one full week of this until i am home free for another three weeks. I have dance this Thursday and that class really stresses me out. The teacher drives me crazy, she doesn't listen to anything i say and she thinks she's better than me.

 Beauty and the Beast

His fingers lace the small of my back gently, pulling me against his warm body. We sway awkwardly to the slow pace music as i hope for soon separation. My eyes lock with my best friends from across the room just as she tips over the punch bowl as a distraction. All eyes turn to the mess as   Jared and I finish our painful dance. When the song is over, I pull away and try to escape from him before people see us but his hand catches my arm to stop me short. His glassy green eyes locked on mine. I’ve always thought they were eery.

“I’m sorry”

My face flashes with confusion-

“Why?”

He gestures to his greasy figure, “you think I don't know what people say about me?...Thanks for the dance, it was generous of you” with that he turns and leaves to the bathroom. I spin around to Emma, who was still trying to make a scene to get eyes off Jared and me. She gave me the thumbs up and I forced a smile as I ponder the meaning of generous.

“Was it terrible? Was my distraction good!?” Emma overwhelms me with questions after the awkward school dance. We walked briskly to escape the cold night, wrapped tight in our sweaters.

“No”

“The punch bowl wasn't enough! Damn I should'a slapped a teacher. That would'a caused a HUGE scene.”

“No”

“Well I’d like to see you think of something”

I shake my head and laugh.

“C'mon get in”

I crank the heat, and drive us home.

“How was the dance girls?” my mother is dressed in a bath robe on the couch.

“Alright” I huff and collapse in my favorite arm chair.

“She danced with Jared Harris” Emma blurts with an amused expression as my mom's eyes light up.

“Yeah? He's a nice boy...with money...I approve”

“MOM! Sooo not cool!”

She laughs then sighs.

“Alright girls, tell me what’s wrong with him”

“He has greasy hair, a tiny nose, big bug eyes and a stutter.” Emma fills my mom in as I roll my eyes.

“He's not all bad-”

“WHAT!?” I look up to see Emma’s jaw on the floor.

“That’s my girl, I always taught you to look beyond the surface”

“Nah, he is shallow, but he knows it...” I think about what he said after our dance.

“Please tell me you’re not falling for him. Please don't be falling for him!”

“I’m not. He's not my type”

“Oh...thank god!”

“Em, don't be like that” my mother pipes in to my rescue

“The guys a creep! I blame Shelly for not teaching you to say (no). Seriously, that's what got you in this mess Ali.”

“Hey! I taught Alice great values! She just doesn't have great confidence.”

“Thanks mom.”

“Well you don't! You girls are beautiful with smoking little figures! It’s about time you read that book I got from the library about teen development-”

“Night mom!” I interrupt and rush to my room, pulling Emma along with me.

My room is simple with British fashion posters taking up the majority of my wall space. Emma lands on my bed as I shut my door closed and kick off my pumps.

“Your mom...is such a mom!”

We laugh in agreement.

“Help me out of my dress, I gadda tell you what Jared said.” Emma’s fingers rip my delicate zipper down my back quickly so I will get to the details faster. 

“Okay. Tell me everything”

Kicking my satin dress to my laundry bin I throw on mark's old football jersey and curl up on my bed next to Emma. Telling her everything from the awkward stance to the statement he made towards my generosity.

“Well it makes sense.” Emma says when I finished my story.

“What does?”

“Think about it-” she runs her fingers through her hair. “It’s Jared. He's lucky to have danced with you, he doesn't get girls the way Danny does.” The image of Danny Anderson fills my head with his spiky hair and dreamy smile.

“I guess so...but most guys wouldn't come out and thank me..”

“Jared isn't most guys. He's a parasite.”

“He seemed nice enough”

“They all do. Ah innocent little Alice, you need to see guys as what they are!”

“Rude..?”

“Pigs!”

The following morning started with Emma being called to the office to explain for her rational behavior last night at the winter ball. I try to focus on Ms. Dakin and her lesson about metaphors and the delightful hidden meanings of Shakespeare.

            We all listen intently to the announcements as the principle explains that the annual camping trip at Camp WoopOp is Next Friday and all grade 10's are expected to be there. When Emma returns from the principles office, she announces that she is suspended from the camping trip. I go silent and stare at her in disbelief.

            On Thursday after school, Emma comes to my house to help me pack even though its torture for her. We have dreamed about this trip since grade 2. Each year the grade 10's get to go, and finally it’s our year; and I have to go without my best friend.

            “I don't want to go without you.”

            “Danny Anderson is going. This is your chance to be grouped up with him. If I can't have him, I want you to get a chance.”

            “That's stupid.”

            “You'll be stupid if you don't go.”

We argued about this until my bags were completely packed and Emma was pushing me out the door Friday. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to go more than anything, and it killed me that she couldn’t.

            “I don't get it, all you did was push over a drink bowl.” I say out the open window to her from the sidewalk.

            “Yeah but the punch bowl was an antique and it broke”

            “Oh”

With that the bus pulled away and I waved. A whole summer without Emma, how am I going to manage? I can't even last on a math test without her answers. My eyes wander around the bus, I notice Jared is sitting alone as well. I move my sweater to the open seat beside me so he doesn't have the need to fill Emma's seat.

            “May I sit here?” My eyes meet with Danny Andersen’s. I look around confused, to the other empty seats around me as I move my sweater.

            “Sure..?”

            “Thanks”

I don't like Danny as much as Emma does, yet anyone can see themselves dating him; he's just that type of guy. We small talk easily for the hour drive, though all I can think about is Emma sitting in the seat a few up from mine giving me the thumbs up. When we arrive everyone presses their noses against the glass to get a good look at the camp. There are several brown run down cabins scattered around the lake with random paddle boats in the sand and a volleyball net set up on the beach. Its just as I pictured it. When everyone has retrieved their bags from under the bus, we stand waiting for an instructor to give us our cabin number. When they finally arrive, I hold in a snicker. The lady is wearing florescent swim shorts and has a fountain ponytail with knobby knees and braces. If Emma were here, we would have been rolling of the ground laughing.

            “Hi guys” she has a lisp and cokes her hip, exposing her granny panties from under her short shorts. “ When you get your cabin number, get settled and meet back here.”

            “Sarah, Grace, Sam and Erin. Your all in cabin #1” They pick up their over sized bags and head to the closest cabin.

            “Alice, Phoebe, Judy and Emma. Your in cabin #2” My head feels heavy and my eyes are teary. Emma would have been in my cabin. Phoebe kicks open our door and holds it open for us.

            “Thanks.” I mumble. The cabin is big enough for two bunk beds and a small dresser.

            “I call top!” Phoebe Jumps up the closest bunk bed and unrolls her sleeping bag.

            “I'm a restless sleeper so I better snag the bottom” Judy gives a weak smile and places her ratty old teddy on her Pinocchio pillow.

            “I'm sorry, how old are you?” Phoebe leans her head over to mock Judy's pillow.

            “I like Disney”

            “Of course you do.”

            “I'll take bottom too” I walk over to the other bunk bed, knowing that Emma always prefers the top bunk when ever we have that option.

“Since you had a long drive, you will have an hour of free time. At six, I will ring that bell” The lady points to a large church bell hanging beside the lifeguard stand. “you will all meet at the dinning hall.”

            “Whats your name?!” Some guy yells from the back of the group, it was probably a dare.

            “Oh how silly of me” She gives a squeaky giggle. “I am professor fun.” Everybody laughs.

Half the guys jump in the lake, while most of the girls put on their bathing suits and lay in the sand. I walk to the end of the dock and watch the birds across the lake.

The next day, Professor fun turned out to be the activity director. My group for the summer was Phoebe, Judy, Danny, Jared and Mike. Mike turned out to be Judy's best friend so they were joined at the hip almost instantly; Phoebe is obsessed with Danny so they are always together. That leaves me to talk to Jared. Every group had to compete in quests and come the end of the summer, these quests were supposed to teach us stuff about one another and the winner gets a jar full of jelly beans. Mike and Judy explain how much they want those jelly beans. We laugh at how seriously they are taking each quest. First we had a scavenger hunt. We came in second next to the geeky group full of Jared's nerdy friends. The next, we had to build ourselves a shelter in the forest in case we ever got lost. We came in first for that one because Danny is really into wilderness and had the brilliant idea of putting mud over the sticks. Apparently that blocks off wind and keeps the heat in. Every night we have a bomb fire and free time for an hour. The guys generally swim, while the girls sun bathe. I'll usually be found at the end of the dock writing a letter to Emma.

Dear Emma. Camp stinks without you, I have no idea why you made me come without you. You'll laugh when you hear that Jared's in my group. Though so is Danny so I guess that's alright. How's your summer going? If its anything better than (“professor fun” and her activities that she has given us) then I am officially jealous. Go see my mom, she misses having me around and she knows you best. If I come back and your dating my brother, I’m probably going to have a seizure. Just saying. Please come up on parent visiting day with my mom, I miss you more than anything.

I couldn't think of anything else to write to her, so I sealed the letter in an envelope and sent it. I never was good at getting my feelings down on paper anyway. As the days passed, I noticed everyone started looking better. The hair products have washed out of the girls hair, the guys were more tanned and I am not going to lie, Jared started looking really muscular and different. His hair was less greasy, eyes wild and he was always laughing. Emma would kill me if she knew I was thinking that, but I couldn't help it.

That night at the bomb fire, I sat next to him. He smelled sweat and his hair was turning curly.

            “Hey Jared” I smile up at him, was he always this tall?

            “Hi Alice” His voice turns dull.

            “How are you liking camp?”

            “S'all right I guess”

            “You guess? You seem to be having a blast.”

            “What do you want Alice?”

My face goes straight.  

            “What do you mean?” I say after a small silence.

            “Why are you talking to me?”

I chuckle.

            “Because I want to.”

            “Look, you already danced with me, I don't need any more favors. Just leave a geek alone, I’m not a joke and I don't need girls finishing a dare by talking to me.”

            “This isn't a dare.”

            “It was the first time, when we danced. I know it was”

            “That's different,”

            “How?”

            “Look Jared, I just wanted to be friends, but if you don't want to be close with me, then that's your loss” I stand up, and he spits.

            “My loss? You think your so great Alice. But honestly, nobody wants you.” I look around with tears realizing that all eyes are on me. With that I storm off to the end of the dock to cry.

            “he's right.” I mumble to myself. If any guy wanted me, he could have me. I'm not hard to get, I'm desperate really.

            “Alice” A voice sounds from behind me. I turn suddenly to see Jared. He looks worried.

            “What do you want?” I stare ahead again as he sits next to me.

            “To apologize, I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of everybody.” We sit there for a while.

            “You make me sound like the beast.” I break the silence.

            “What?”

            “You know, Beauty and the Beast, I always thought I would be considered beauty.”

            “Alice” He stands up, “you may have good looks, but you think way to highly of yourself. On the inside, you are the beast.” With that he leaves. More tears flow down my face. 

  NEVER

EVER 
 BE AFRAID
 TO BE YOURSELF.

I hate the idea of life. Okay so we are born, we spend our entire life learning, we go to school so we can go to high school, we go to high school so we can go to collage, we go to collage so we can get a job. We get a job to pay the bills, we pay the bills to keep our house. We keep the house for our kids. We keep working even when we have enoough, for our kids to go to shcool and to do the same thing. Whats the point? we literally work ourselves to death. Its pitiful really...

I am getting a tattoo that says "Beauty has no size." i want it at medium size just above my bra strap. Or below. I don't know yet. It will be a gentle reminder that i am beautiful no matter how chubby i get on my period or if i want to eat what i want, it will remind me i don't have to feel gross after, because no matter what, i am beautiful inside and out :)